Existential Soup

The problem of course, in absolute terms, is that there is only one right, and there’s no arguing both sides of it. Some lies are too outrageous to be believed. Some crimes are absolutely too heinous to dismiss.

This is actually why our stories now are so hard to tell. No one wants to hear anything stated in absolute terms anymore. Nuance and ambiguity are hallmarks of a new fuzzy-logic definition of good. Let there be no expressions of “should” or “ought-to” when determining what to do next.

Entropy has mixed all the black and white to gray. Things fall apart by mixing to an homogenous lack of identity. And strangely, gray is where I am in my mind. No light moments. No dark thoughts. Just a featureless, monotonous, directionless gray fog. 

And, without getting too analytical about it, I’ll simply declare that the fog that envelopes me is a purposelessness that has no beginning or end in the absence of someone or something to love. And, with blank stare defeatism toward my dim view of life, I say to myself, “Wow! How do I get out of this?”

This of a sudden is front and center in my thought because my thoughts are turned to friends and loves departed — and not so long ago (although it seems like forever because the leaving of this world IS forever.

I am now old, and several of my friends — including my best childhood friends, and my younger brother — did not make it this far,

I weep to think: if only... if only I had been a better friend or brother it might have been different... if only...

My friends still here tell me, “Don’t beat yourself up about it.” But I say: Beat yourself up; question everything you do or don’t do arising from your definition of friendship. Beat yourself into whatever shape you need to be to be the very best definition of what you need to be to those you love who count on you.

I look upon my Savior. He has been and is that kind of Friend to me. He challenged me (commanded me) to be perfect. I weep... if only...

[Original 5/8/2008 by Christopher Klinges. Revised 1/3/2021 — with consideration given to the reality that fog lifts, and navigation through it is possible regardless of duration.]